Betrayal trauma is one of the deepest, painful forms of emotional wounds, leaving scars resistant to healing. Betrayal trauma occurs when you depend on another for your emotional, mental, or even physical well-being—such as a spouse, close friend, or family member— and they break your trust in a devastating way. It’s not just about a single event; it’s about the ripple effect that spreads into every part of your life, impacting how you see yourself and the world around you. The pain you feel is real, long lasting, and often feels crippling. It can impact your day-to-day functioning.
Betrayal trauma feels personal, raw, and may make you want to disappear, hide, or isolate yourself. You find yourself questioning your own worth, feeling confused, stuck, ashamed, and very small. It is a miserable path to walk through, and it seems like you have to walk it alone. You don’t. Please attend my summit: https://www.healthrivedream.com/connection-summit/
I’m here to tell you there is a path forward and I don’t want you to walk it alone. Many survivors have already walked it and are healing. Healing is possible, and it begins with understanding what betrayal trauma is and how to navigate through it, even when you would rather hide.
What is Betrayal Trauma and Why Does It Hurt So Much?
Betrayal trauma occurs when someone you trust violates your trust in a way that threatens you or causes a great deal of pain. Your overall well-being is impacted. This painful betrayal happens in many ways to include infidelity, manipulation, broken promises, significant lies, threats, abandonment, deceit, or abuse. It's not just the act of betrayal itself that stings but includes the total damage or destruction to the relationship you thought was supposed to provide you safety, security, love, support, and stability. Instead, the relationship turns into a nightmare.
When your trust is shattered, intense emotional reactions are common, such as:
- Shock/Disbelief: The initial stage you may find yourself in, is disbelief. It’s hard to believe, let along accept that someone you care about could hurt you so deeply. Once the disbelief wears off, it feels like you were stabbed or “gutted.”
- Resentment/Anger: Your hurt may turn into anger. As you start to process the intricacies of the betrayal, your anger is directed at the person who hurt you, but also at yourself for trusting them. If you find yourself suppressing anger, you will slowly start to build resentment in your body. Letting this simmer and not expressing it, can literally make you sick.
- Shame and Guilt: You will likely feel an overwhelming sense of shame, as if you are somehow to blame for what happened. There must be something wrong with you or this wouldn’t have happened to you, right? Wrong. Betrayal is not your fault. You may also feel guilty for not seeing the red flags sooner. This is common and something you can process and learn from.
- Fear and Anxiety: Once betrayal occurs, it’s hard to trust anyone. You may feel unsafe, insecure, fearful, and may constantly worry about others betraying you as well.
These yucky emotions are overwhelming. Especially if you’ve relied on the betrayer for emotional, financial, or physical support. Betrayal trauma can leave you feeling powerless, and it can affect every aspect of your life, from your other relationships to your self-worth. Don’t let it take so much away from you. Not everyone will betray you. Allow yourself to ask for and accept support from others.
The Ongoing Pain Of Betrayal Trauma
Betrayal trauma often triggers a range of physical and psychological responses, just like any other forms of abuse or trauma. These can include:
Acute Stress or PTSD symptoms: Flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance can become part of daily life. If they last a few weeks, you may be diagnosed with acute stress disorder. If the symptoms last longer in duration and become more intense, please seek treatment for PTSD.
Difficulty Trusting Others: Betrayal shatters not only your trust, but also your heart. This makes it difficult for you to form new relationships or maintain existing ones. Reach out to friends or supports that have been there for you over the years. Allow them to offer you comfort.
Emotional Numbness: You may become numb as a way of coping. The constant emotional pain may become too much for you, leading to emotional shutdown. Allow yourself to experience it, then lean into experiencing all of the other difficult emotions. They won’t last and you will survive them. Talk, write and create through your pain.
Physical Health Issues: Chronic stress from betrayal trauma can lead to physical health problems, including headaches, digestive issues, muscle tension, lack or increased appetite, decreased energy, and sleep disturbances.
Please remember that these issues are not permanent. With the right support, guidance, services, and tools, you can move through these symptoms and towards recovery/healing.
Healing from Betrayal Trauma in 6 Steps
Recovery from betrayal trauma is not linear, nor is it quick. But it’s important to remember that healing is possible. Here’s how you can begin the process of recovering from betrayal trauma:
- Acknowledging Your Feelings - It’s common or normal to want to push or stuff away the pain. Acknowledging your emotions is the first step towards healing and it is essential that you don’t try to skip this step. Don’t rush through your emotions or pretend they don’t exist. This really doesn’t work so please don’t kid yourself. Allow yourself to feel sadness, resentment, anger, fear, worry, and even confusion. Each emotion has a place in your healing journey. Yes, I know and understand these emotions are not fun and feel like they will kill you. Numbing them with food, drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping, etc., won’t get rid of them over the long term.
- Creating a Safe Space - After feeling or being betrayed, it’s important to surround yourself with safe and supportive people who validate you, who believe you. Seek out friends or family who respect your boundaries, listen to your story without judgment, and validate your experiences. Whether it’s a trusted friend, a support group, or a therapist, having a safe space to process your feelings is crucial for recovery.
- Reconnecting with Yourself - One of the most devastating effects of betrayal trauma is the disconnection you may feel from yourself. You may doubt your instincts, lose trust in your judgment, or feel like you’ve lost touch with who you are. Begin to rebuild that connection with yourself by practicing deeper self-care skills, engage in activities that bring you joy, and set both physical as well as emotional boundaries to protect your overall well-being.
- Seeking Professional Support - Therapy, particularly trauma COMPETENT therapy, is one of the most effective ways to recover from betrayal trauma. An evidenced based trained therapist can empower you to process your pain, understand the impact of the betrayal, and begin to rebuild your trust in yourself and with others. Please read my other blogs to learn more about evidenced based therapy options for trauma survivors.
- Practicing Self-Compassion - Healing from betrayal trauma takes time. It’s important to practice self-compassion throughout your healing journey. Be gentle, kind, and loving with yourself as your emotions go up and down during the course of your recovery. You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and your feelings are real and valid. Allow yourself the space to heal without placing unrealistic expectations on how quickly that should happen.
- Rebuilding Trust- Turtle Style - Trust doesn’t come back overnight. It’s essential to rebuild trust with yourself before you attempt to trust others. There is no rush. Do it turtle style and don’t allow yourself to rush through it. This process might include setting small goals, reinforcing your boundaries, and allowing yourself to make mistakes along the way. As you heal, you’ll begin to see that trust can be rebuilt—not by rushing the process, but by honoring your own pace, wants, and needs.
Moving Forward - Hope
Betrayal trauma may feel like it has broken you, but it is not the end of your story. It might just be the beginning. Healing is possible. The road to recovery may be long and there may be some bumps in your path, but with the right tools and support, you can build a stronger, more resilient you, and connect to yourself in a deeper way.
Remember that your journey is unique to you. There’s no timeline for healing, and no one can tell you how to grieve, recover, or heal. What matters most is that you honor and feel your emotions, seek support, and take the steps necessary to heal holistically after betrayal.
You are not alone. With patience, self-compassion, and support, you will find hope to heal.
We invite you to join us for a transformative experience that can be a turning point in your healing journey.
Together let's rebuild trust, self-compassion, and meaningful connections. If you're ready to take the next step toward healing, I encourage you to be part of this empowering event.
