Trauma can and does impact your relationships. I know this may be hard to read, or maybe you are already aware of this based on your history. You may have thought your trauma impacted you only. Relational trauma alters the way you perceive yourself, others around you, and relationships outside of your personal circle. When you experience trauma, it can disrupt your whole world, including your emotional, spiritual, mental, energetic, physical, and relationship health. Understanding how trauma impacts your relationships is important for you and other survivors, and those who care for survivors. Understanding the impact betrayal or relationship trauma provides insight into your patterns of behavior. Having a better understanding makes hope in healing much more believable AND achievable.
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What is Trauma?
I’m going to be brief here as I have covered this extensively in other blog posts. Trauma happens during any event or series of events that overwhelms your ability to cope. This could include physical or emotional abuse, neglect, domestic violence, terrorism, combat, sexual assault, natural disasters, accidents, or witnessing violence. When the effects of trauma linger longer than a few weeks, you may be experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, and/or other mental health issues. When the impact of trauma is shorter, clinicians label these symptoms, Acute Stress Disorder (Please see DSM-V).
How does trauma impact relationships specifically? Trauma can be damaging to relationships because relationships affect how you may perceive and interact with others. Many survivors I work with report struggling with mistrust, communication difficulties, and barriers with emotional intimacy. There are other areas survivors struggle with during the aftermath of trauma.
Mistrust
You likely already know that trust is one of the first culprits of what is eroded after abuse or betrayal. For many trauma survivors, trust may feel dangerous. You may struggle to believe that others can be trusted or believe you are worthy of love and support. I suspect that the core belief we carry from childhood is that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people. Thus, if we experienced abuse, we must be bad. This thinking may seem logical, but if we analyze our thinking, we will recall many instances where something good has happened for someone who acts “badly” and that many tragedies can happen to those who we deem as “good.”
Survivors learn from their trauma the world is unsafe, and this belief can be difficult to let go of or shake. Even in relationships where there is no immediate threat, survivors share finding themselves hyper alert or are waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is unfortunate as the other shoe will eventually drop because we can’t ever be 100% safe or protected. We live in a risky world, and it is up to each of us as both survivors and individuals to decide to give in to fear or do the best we can. Unfortunately, your behavior may include emotional withdrawal, hypervigilance, or even pushing your loved ones away in an attempt to protect yourself from potential harm or from being hurt again. It is not your fault trauma happened, and you responded this way. However, it is your responsibility to work on healing. No one can heal for us!
It makes sense that when trust is compromised, it’s challenging to believe that any of your relationships will thrive. However, with supportive partners, friends, and family members, you may heal both your and their frustrations or hurts by your past inability to fully engage or reciprocate affection. It is possible to heal their feelings of rejection or resentment. Healing your resentments is also a must in order for you to live freely.
Poor Communication Patterns
Effective, healthy communication allows relationships to thrive, but trauma can and does create barriers to healthy communication. You may find yourself struggling to express your emotions or articulate your needs and wants. This is often because you may fear being judged, rejected, or misunderstood. Or you simply may worry about being hurt again.
Do you sometimes find yourself shutting down emotionally, become avoidant or distant? This may confuse your partner and lead to a rupture in your connection. On the other hand, you may find yourself as emotionally reactive, feeling easily triggered or overwhelmed by even minor disagreements. Your emotions or moods may swing, and this can create instability in your relationships, making it difficult for you and the other party to communicate effectively.
You may notice having difficulty recognizing and naming your emotions. Trauma often disconnects you from your body and your feelings, making it challenging to figure out how you really feel. This is a normal trauma response from abnormal traumatic events. When you feel emotionally cutoff or shut down, it is difficult to express yourself clearly. With miscommunication, misunderstandings can lead to conflicts and frustration is common for all involved.
Attachment and Intimacy
Attachment starts for you in childhood. The minute you are held. Attachment refers to the way your emotional bond with others. Trauma survivors, especially during childhood, often struggle to attach and this impacts your ability to regulate your emotions. Attachment issues don’t stop in childhood but can follow you throughout your lifespan. You may struggle with forming secure attachments in your adult relationships. This can look like, overdependence on your partner for your emotional needs, or you may avoid emotional intimacy altogether. Which one of these resonates the most with you?
Survivors with insecure attachment often seek reassurance, as you worry about abandonment or rejection. This need for constant validation can become overwhelming for you and your partner. On the flip side, some survivors may avoid intimacy, pushing loved ones away in an effort to protect themselves from perceived hurts, rejection, and pain. If you experienced betrayal before, you may believe it will keep happening.
Any disruption in attachment creates havoc in our relationships. How can you trust yourself not to get hurt? How can you trust a partner not to betray you? It is not a mystery why survivors struggle with maintaining healthy relationships where you can be both close and independent within your relationship. It is understandable intimacy becomes a source of fear rather than comfort for you. It feels like you can’t win. Protect yourself or fully open up and trust your partner?
Triggers and Self-Regulation
Trauma affects your ability to regulate your emotions. Many survivors experience heightened emotional responses, and this is often called, hyperarousal. This is when you feel flooded or overwhelmed by any type of stress. Even good or happy stress! You may also be triggered by situations that remind you of your traumatic experiences or your abuser. You find yourself drowning in anger, fear, or sadness. It is no wonder that many of us survivors struggle with resentment!
Have your emotional reactions ever confused you or your partner? Your partner may not understand why you are reacting so intensely to something that may seem small to them. This can lead to you feeling ashamed or guilty for not being in control of your emotions. Your emotional volatility creates tension and instability in your relationships. Repeating the cycle of being rejected by a partner or shutting down as you believe they will leave you sooner or later.
Healing and Support
While trauma can certainly disrupt your relationships, it’s important to remember that healing is possible. With the right support, both trauma survivors and their loved ones can learn how to overcome challenges and rebuild trust, healthy communication, and intimacy.
Therapy, particularly trauma COMPETENT therapy, can be incredibly healing. Evidenced based trauma recovery therapy focuses on empowering you to process your traumatic experiences, understand your emotional/behavioral responses, and develop healthier ways of relating to others. Couples therapy can also be beneficial, as it provides a safe space for both partners to express their needs and work through challenges together. I also recommend family therapy when possible (all parties take responsibility for their roles and WANT to do/be better for the family system).
In addition to therapeutic support, it’s essential for you and other trauma survivors to cultivate self-compassion and self-love. Healing from trauma is a gradual process, and it’s important to acknowledge your progress along the way, no matter how small. Surround yourself with supportive, loved ones who are empathic, understanding, and willing to learn about how trauma impacts everyone.
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